I just want to listen to music through the headphones of the globe, I'll mix their screams with the cries of laughter. I'll cross over from obese greed and drown it in tragedy. I'll take one shot to a building and ignore the millions of bombs we drop to compensate for our more expensive lives. I'll bask in the glory of being able to eat the African families weight, malnourished and all. I'll parade around in clothes I don't need, expelling exhaust. "everything i could say would feed into insignificance"

Welcome to my Journal. IGNORE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, or become my Editor


On Heaven & Hell

If there is a Heaven or Hell, I really can't see it being anything different than a god damn party. There's the VIP list and line at the door and people are split up sanctioned. Is it some illusion that anyone really has a choice in the matter? Unlike this life we are in now? Cuz I'm sure as hell no one decides to pop out a mothers womb in a third world country or in abusive home. No girl stands in line for the mother's womb that delivers her to a father molesting her at home. No boy impatiently waits to get to the door of a mother's womb and find himself crippled. This whole Heaven and Hell thing is just ridiculous, an extension of the illusion of control that we so desperately cling onto as human beings. God if I can't make the list here, please sign me up in the next life. I may have lost it somewhere in this paragraph, but I thought I was onto something in the beginning.

When I graduate Heaven I'm going to Hell.

Selfish, Selfless, 1010

Selfish, or Selfless. Let the readers decide.

Scenario: If a person is having to constant nag at another person to hang out at which point couldn't it be more clear that there isn't two willing participants and thus there is no relationship at all. And really now, who is the real asshole? The person simply minding their own business or the mosquito constantly flying into the room, buzzing and maybe coming in and sucking a little blood, just a little...and we swat, we swat, we spray ourselves...we do everything we can..but its not until we fucking swat the mother fucker and spray its minuscule guts all over ourselves that we can go, "ah." wipe the bastard, or flick its bigger parts away and cleanse ourselves. Its not until than that both souls can be free.

Now who's the asshole? And is it worse to give the bug time, try and avoid killing it, taking its life away, squishing the damn thing...swatting the air around it, trying to move away, etc....you tell me


Art Should Never Have Been Sold

I'm not at all referencing to music, I just always post a lil something for people to listen to while reading. I myself am usually streaming something while writing..anyways.

'Let Me In' yes I am still pissed off about this. Less than a decade, Less than half a decade, less than a quarter of a decade later...Hollywood decides to take on and Americanize the Swedish work of art 'Let the Right One In.'

The period and gap between remaking movies has grown almost as short as remixes of songs. I am just waiting for films to have an EP now. Here is Batman and several remixes by separate artist. FUCK YOU!

but seriously, if you're going to put out remakes as fast as the music industry puts out remixes. Why not do what they do to share the wealth and create EP packages. So at least the original author gets credit and shares in the profit.

But at las I understand...It's a business. And seeing a successful product flourish, instead of letting it FLOURISH more, lets make our own version, stamp our seal on it, straight up steal art and sell it. God I had to go to some 'hole in the wall' theater I didn't even know existed in between SB & Goleta, near the autoshops..And I bet 'Let Me In' will be showing in all the mainstream, easy to access theaters in Santa Barbara.

Someone just put me at ease and tell me that the creators of 'Let the Right One In' are getting some slice of this pie.


I can't sleep until I devour you

Lately been binging on quirky sexual comedies, The Babysitters & Finding Bliss were great. Babysitters about highschool girls who find out they can earn a lot of extra money by pleasuring the fathers of the families after babysitting the kids. It gets way out of hand. And Finding Bliss is about a girl who goes off to NYU, gets the best film award only to come back here to Hollywood and fail at finding a job..until accidentally landing an editing gig at a porn studio..she only accepts the gig because they have amazing equipment and she gets the idea to secretly film her movie idea (that isn't a porno). Meh, that was last week.

This week I watched Timer, which is a movie about an invention that predicts the exact moment when you will meet 'the one.' The main girl her timer is --d -- h -- m -- s (blank) which means that her one true love hasn't installed a timer device yet. And then her sister has one that predicts she wont fall in love til she is like 50 something...so as one can predict they are both unhappy with their results..having had the devices installed at age 14 and going into their 30's. Crazy concept, interesting movie.


There we are

"I want to respect and try and grow from all of my influences and I want to be something that makes a dent in the world. I want to be a villain. Everyone wants to say, "What's it like being a role model?" It's a lot harder to be a fucking villain. Role models are mannequins, villains make problems and problems are what changes the world. All artists are villains, and that's what I like to be." - MM

Hold the Phone

Twiggy got back with Marilyn Manson for the latest album...why the fuck am I just finding out about this now!

'Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder'

I find it rather disgustingly funny how easily people can look past the blood in a diamond, seeing only its beauty and then turn their heads away in disgust at an art piece containing blood.

Think about this deeply and metaphorically you literal bastards.

Again why I find American Psycho to be such a masterpiece. Patrick Bateman is the Diamond.
And shoot me for saying this..because some literal assholes going to think, Oh I like Diamonds, Diamonds are pretty..oh wait, that means he is saying he likes this character, he agrees with this characters blood lust and need to kill. Oh my god he is a killer.

No..you are the real Murderers. Every time someone fails to comprehend something past it's crust a part of me dies. Every single time. There is an optimistic boy buried inside of me and I say buried because that's what we do when something dies.


Its pretty sad

The best thing about Facebook's Birthday notifications is that I see people's names pop up that I'm not really friends with, that I don't talk to and I remove them from my friends list. It's not high school anymore or a popularity contest. The concept of removing people from your friends list on their birthday may sound fucked up, but its facebook. I'm sure it goes unrecognised and I'm just being an asshole by announcing it.

Now to move on. I've finally setup a list of goals for myself. There is a couple things lately that have been going on in my life that I'm ready to move past. Knowledge is great, but it's been wisdom and experiences that I've found to be the most propelling force in my life. Even the bad ones.

I live a life with little limitations, I've indulged in many things. Paid for sex, abused and used drugs and alcohol. But I am past the shame of these experiences and I've found them to be enlightening.

I consider myself a scientist and I've reached an Epiphany about drugs. They have things to teach us, mentally and psychologically I've explored and opened my mind. I've learned to be more social, to speak my mind. I've let out repressed feelings. But I've also taken it too far. I've said and done things I shouldn't.

Anyways, I'm taking the Good that I learned from them and learning to reach those mental states without the use of drugs or alcohol. I've already seen the same pattern in every substance I've ever found to be enlightening.

I'm glad hallucinogenics stimulated my mind and my imagination. But I don't need to drop LSD, eat mushrooms every single day or ever again to open my mind, get outside of myself, get outside of the influences of society, television and my peers.

I'm glad stimulates such as cocaine have taught me to write and think more critically, but I don't need to do blow every day or ever again to reach that mental state. Sigmund Frued saw the power it had for the psyche, but he too realised that in the end over indulging in any substance always leads to the same result.

And I'm glad that the Benzos, Klonopins, Xanax & Ativan taught me to be more relaxed, open, to stress less, and to say what comes to my mind. Alcohol a lighter affect, but to also do these things and in the end to be more social. But I don't need any of these things to achieve these effects, they simply were a tool, a key to unlocking a part of myself that was repressed. And indulging in drugs and or alcohol at first may help bring out these characteristics, but they also give the person something that isn't a part of them. They have their own psyche.

So it is time to start working my 3 or 4 books on meditation. With a sober mind and learn to channel the things I've learned, but still have my limits, my psyche, my thoughts and my control in tact.

As for prostitution, that's a whole different subject. My thoughts on the matter is that I see no reason why it should be illegal and I find it to be more honest than most relationships I've seen. The persons involved know exactly what it is they are paying for, they know the relationship and where it stands. The communication is crystal clear. There are some of course who are delusional and many do fall in love with strippers and prostitutes. But if sex is all that you are after from a person, it is the most honest and fair relationship I know.

Now as for those seeking more and relationships that extend past sexual pleasure, it takes a lot of time and hard work. It also takes finding the right person. The insanity we've all experienced of trying to make someone into the person we want them to be, rather than finding the characteristics in another individual is real.

Relationships in general are the hardest thing for me, because in order to have a relationship with someone, be it friendship or whatever you have to relate to them. There has to be a connection. And that connection has to be stronger than a person's pride, ego and if it revolves around sex, drugs and or alcohol it is not a real connection at all.

The people that I've stayed in touch with and I am connected to are the ones who we've found common ground in things that are solid. Music for instance, anyone who shares my passion and love for music, well we've touched a very important common ground. Art in general. Movies. Hardship. Poverty. Real life issues. Fuck mainstream politics and fuck mainstream religion. But I am all for spirituality and I especially love opinions, those are the only politics that get me. Don't get me wrong though, ever person is entitled to their own system and set of beliefs and these are mine. This is my religion.