Since When Do Robots Read

Working in the Parking Structure, the bane of my existence. An extreme Conflict of Interest.

Pros: I get to sit up in an office, work on my website and I make bank...plus the perks of managing a lot in the Heart of Downtown Santa Barbara speaks for itself.

Cons: A constant reminder of why I have lost all faith in humanity. The stupidest, laziest and rudest people infest the parking structure.

Example: Today I had a lady call in and tell me that she could pay with Cash at the exit and that someone at Nordstrom's had told her this. (Right away I know I am dealing with a lying piece of shit that is working her ass off to get out of a $1.50 parking fee).
*We have been running a fully automated system since May and haven't had cashiers in booths since then. There is also no way to accept cash from customers and process their foolish request.

When faced with this Obstacle, which happens daily we follow a strict S.O.P

Standard Operating Procedure: The customer has two choices, they can either pay by credit/debit card at the machine or they can remove their ticket from the machine and proceed to a Pay-by-Foot station conveniently located 10 feet from each of the two Exits.

After repeating this to the lady several times and having her constantly refuse and make excuses she then proceeded to tell me that we should learn from the other parking structures and not run this system. I told her that this system is being used in major cities around the globe, used right here in Santa Barbara at our Airport and is used in other countries: Germany, Mexico, France, Italy etc.

She then said, verbatim, "Then you should go back to Mexico." And after laughing to myself, I told her that I am not Mexican (for the record I have yet to go to Mexico).
*At this point I am dealing with a lazy, rude, ignorant, arrogant, racist bitch and I try my best to maintain my cool.

I repeat to her that she has two options on how to get out of the lot. She can exit her vehicle, go to the Pay-by-Foot station and pay Cash or she can use a credit/debit card. Again she refuses to pay.

She then tells me that there should be more directions explaining the process on how to use the system. I told her that there are at least five signs at each entrance stating that a Customer must pay with Credit/Debit card at the exit. I also told her that throughout the whole parking structure, including the elevators and stairs there are even more signs. ( I forgot to mention that each machine itself is loaded with directions).

She then said, verbatim "Well nobody reads those. We aren't robots"

Since when do Robots read?

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Prior to this, in honor of Prop 8 passing. I have noticed that flirting and making sexual jokes with homosexual friends makes them uncomfortable. They either become extremely quiet or leave the room. Is this like hitting on a girl that is a friend? How come I can joke sexually with my heterosexual male friends and not offend them? Is it maybe considered teasing? What is wrong with the world today.

Truthfully yours,

Sean

Suicide is Dead

"I would feel real trapped in this world if I didn't know that at any moment I could commit suicide" - Hunter S. Thompson

There isn't much originality left in suicide these days. The Vietnamese monks protesting the war by lighting themselves on fire and meditating, Romeo & Juliet and Elliot Smith have set the bar extremely high. Even Kurt Cobain, who used a gun (most cliche of ways) made it original by using a shotgun, such a long weapon requires much skill to use on oneself, or at least a great deal of heroine and creativity.

Choking on your own vomit, ODing on Drugs and/or Alcohol, shooting yourself, jumping off a bridge, using a noose, all of these methods will no longer get you a front page cover or any page at all except the obituaries. Where one will simply blend in with the idiotic driver who killed himself driving under the influence, or the victim who he ran over. The 45 year old father who had a heart attack and the grandfather who died of old age.

I still am amused with the accidental death by Erotic Asphyxiation (also known as asphyxiophilia, autoerotic asphyxia, hypoxyphilia, or breath control play) and I think that dying on the pot hasn't been classy since Elvis. Then again I have a weird asphyxiation with masturbation and time spent sitting on the toilet, I've never combined the two though. Just as I'd rarely waste my meditative time in the shower with an addictive masturbation.

SPOILER ALERT***
Two films that I've watched lately have had great fantasy suicides. Will Smith's suicide in a bathtub with the use of a Jellyfish, the only interesting part of the movie Seven Pounds. And then the above scene from Taxidermia, besides..anyone that can kill themselves and leave their bodies resembling a Greek Sculpture:



As for my own suicidal creativity, I was thinking of attaching an OFF Button to my body, that when pressed would release a high level of lead or mercury (I've always loved sushi). Or maybe someone can design me a venomous scorpion tail necklace with a protective casing made of breakable glass.

*Accidental deaths are left in the hands of a higher power and remove the morbid suicidal note. At that point in time no words are worth repeating, except maybe the last words of DJ AM posted on Twitter, again accidental deaths:

"New york, new york. Big city of dreams, but everything in new york aint always what it seems." 2:57 PM Aug 25th, 2009 via ubtertwitter.

For the concerned on my own health/well-being. I am HAPPY. Until you see that off button or a scorpion tail necklace, don't fret or fear for me. I am an artist, an entertainer. I enjoy the morbid, but art is what separates the Marilyn Mansons' from the Charles Mansons'. As long as one uses their creativity for good and doesn't give up on painting (A. Hitler) there will always be entertainment for the bored and the boring.

xo
Sean

Healthy Cure for a Headache

1 Can of Coke Zero
3 tablets of Excedrin
4 Taquitos

Followed by h20 and music. Preferably loud noisy dubstep, 16-bit - Chainsaw Calligraphy or 16 Bit's remix of Machine Gun.

Followed by Rusko & Caspa - Power Shower.

Once headache has been extracted feel free to indulge in Bird Peterson, The Essence or his remix of Night of the Hornheadz. It is only then that you can go back to the light cure of Elliot Smith or whatever music it is you have chosen.

Warning: Country music will bring the headache back and increase the pain tenfold.

Currently indulging in: